2015 has left me in a whirlwind of emotions. It started with a bang and left with one as well. 2015 had a lot of highs and lows for me- some I am still trying to understand.
In 2015 I ended a job and started a new one. It was a strange change and one that I am still trying to acclimate myself with. The other job, I fit in well and felt comfortable with. This one I’m still finding myself. It’s somewhat of a culture shock for me as I feel like the minority, though my face is the “same” as theirs. I handle being the only one that looks like me better than not mixing with the people that look the same. Talk about a weird situation. Though, I don’t regret the change either. I enjoy working with the people we serve and have made a few good friends in the process.
I had to buy two cars during 2015. That was unfortunate. This car does run a lot better though, I’m very grateful for that. I have learned that in 6 months’ time I have put over 30,000 miles on my vehicle. That is not an exaggeration. I am still shocked by that fact.
We have done a lot of remodeling to the house. Interesting what happens to your creative side after a tree falls on the home and ruins many things. The house is mostly finished, though the one portion I was looking forward to the most goes unfinished at this time. We were actually constructing for me an entire corner of my home for my reading and writing needs. It’s an office, a reading nook, a creative corner so-to-speak. This goes unfinished at this time, though I am hoping to complete the project soon. It may be with a different contractor, though that remains to be seen as well. It’s mostly done and just needs sanding and paint. I often find myself staring at it with excitement and anticipation, though I want it to be done right before I jump in and start using it.
I have experienced an ungodly amount of death this year. I have felt a deep level of pain for the loss of each individual and it seems strange. Many people surrounding me don’t seem to understand the grief I’ve been experiencing, but I think I must experience death differently, or perhaps I experience people differently. I’m not sure. What I do know is that my heart kind of feels a tinge of pain every time I think of one of the people that died and it leaves me feeling asthmatic to a certain degree. Like I need to breathe.
I have experienced a lot of hope this past year. My life’s ambition is to be a writer. I decided as a test to throw out an unedited version of my book, just to solicit feedback. I was nervous to the point of illness when I put my book out there for the public to see. Much to my surprise the worst feedback I’ve received was the fact that the book was unedited- which was made known to begin with. People have contacted me, laughed, enjoyed the story, begged for commentary or clues for the sequel, etc. etc. It was an amazing experience. It sold at #7 for humor ebooks on Amazon. I was actually shocked at the positivity that came with this story. I am also very grateful. I continue to write weekly if not daily, but that leads to my next point…
I am more introverted this year. I have lived my entire life as an extrovert, though I have always considered myself an ambivert (a good combination of both). This year, I find myself really in my own mind. I used to speak up and laugh, I was always optimistic and considered myself the life of a party. This year, I’m closed off more. It’s almost as if I’m guarded and perhaps I am. It’s weird and there’s no pivotal moment that this happened, it’s just that I’m comfortable in my own mind and there’s far less drama there. I listen to people and sometimes analyze them, however, I tend to keep quiet with the things I can say. Instead of allowing words to soar, I delete messages and posts that could be taken offensively, I don’t say what I think about certain topics to my family, and I allow my mind to take off into a creative or passionate frenzy that I keep to myself. A prime example is this election year. I know who I’m voting for, my mind is made up, but I hear people diss the person I’m voting for and they have very unintellectual things they believe in and I just listen and smile to myself because they are allowing their stupidity to show more and more. I used to defend things that I believe in, now I just hear people and write it off as ignorance that is not worth fighting with. I used to lead and speak, and try to motivate people to change. Now I just listen and accept that things are the way they are and that’s just it.
Which leads to my final portion of 2015- the Bible. I have somewhat studied this book for years now. I have fought people and defended the Bible, I have listened and strived, I have felt empathy and compassion for people in regards to the Bible and now some of that has changed too. This past year I have really began to dig deeper into the Bible. I have literally opened my Bible at least 6 days per week and have studied it hard. I have learned about sacrifice in many aspects of both Old and New Testament, I have learned about provision, but mostly what I have learned is in regards to structure and faith. I also learned that Psalms is my least favorite book in the Bible, which is strange for someone like me who likes to write. I believe that God is working weird ways in my life right now, which may be why I’ve been shutting my mouth and being more reserved than what I’m used to. I hope I’m not losing my fierce and strong demeanor, but I also have learned more than I should that our tongue really is like a double edged sword. I find myself more intellectual and less argumentative. There is a problem with this though. I listen to what church leaders say and often I find myself thrown into research to see if I agree or disagree. It’s almost as if I have a chip on my shoulder, or perhaps a lack of trust in pretty much everyone. I don’t gain any information from what people tell me, I have this longing to learn it for myself. 2015 has given me that and I’m not sure that it’s a good thing- though I’m not convinced it’s bad either.
In closing, this past year was a year of change for me. I am hoping that 2016 brings forth positivity due to the many changes of 2015, but regardless, I’m not convinced all the changes are complete. I feel like there are a lot more that will take place. If this is so, I am grateful for those of you who have worked with me, heard me, prayed for me, encouraged me, and supported me over the past year and continuing into the current year. For that I am truly grateful.